she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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