No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
