Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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