This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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