my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
