3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
cat food counts as protein by the way
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Everclear isn't food dammit
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
