My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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