If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
