Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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