Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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