Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
