you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
