So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
