my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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