time to smoke my breakfast
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
