I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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