I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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