yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
