You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
