what day is it and did you see me today?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
