you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
