he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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