I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
