she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
