What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
