Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Do vagina's smell?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
