Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
