i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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