I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
