She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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