I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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