Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
