Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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