Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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