Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
