I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
