dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
