Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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