I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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