is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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