I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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