Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
