First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
