I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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