tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
