a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
