Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
