My liver just broke up with me...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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