Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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