It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
