I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Barsexuality is the new black.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm both gender and math confused
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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