Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
