It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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